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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24167893">as i wait (i suffocate)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account'>orphan_account</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - College/University, Grief/Mourning, Implied Character Death, Light Angst, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, bokuto and kuroo being the bestest of best friends</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 21:41:14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,819</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24167893</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>it’s like a psychosomatic pain. sometimes he forgets the space next to him is empty and it feels like he’s being torn apart all over again. he feels like his heart stops again and his chest has been carved out, hollow as the wind whistles through it. </p>
<p>or: kenma goes abroad for university. he doesn’t make it back for christmas. kuroo grieves.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>43</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>as i wait (i suffocate)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>title from hayd - suffocate which is also the song that inspired this</p>
<p>kenma was going to cambridge uni for compsci<br/>he was a smart boi :&gt;</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“i know it’s late over there, but i just wanted to hear your dumb ‘leave a message’ tone,” his snort of laughter is muffled and soft. “maybe you should change it.”</span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">kuroo exhales slowly, his eyes glossed over as he listens. a few moments pass and kuroo imagines kenma on the other side, fiddling with a hoodie string as he thinks over what he’s about to say. </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“england is weird.” </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">kuroo chuckles, “always so blunt.” he pretends kenma can hear him. </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“london’s close by, but i haven’t seen the queen yet.” </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">if kuroo didn’t know any better, he’d think kenma was disappointed. </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“the weather’s not that bad. the rain is more frequent than i’d like, though. not so different from japan.” </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">kenma never did like getting drenched. kuroo smiles at the image of kenma hissing like a wet cat that pops into his mind. </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“it’s... okay though, i guess.” kenma’s voice gets quieter. “but it—it’s not the same. without you.” </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">kuroo’s heart tightens and he hates the thought of kenma then, lost and afraid and alone in a foreign country, thousands of miles away. he hates the way his breath stops and his eyes feel hot and wet with unshed tears. he hates the way his smile is frozen on his face and the way that time feels broken, as though he’s trapped and helpless.</span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“it’s only another seventy three days til christmas break.” kenma huffs out. “i’ll make it in time for christmas with you, don’t worry.”</span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">it’s a frosty night, today. kuroo has the heating turned on to max, even though he runs warmer than the average person. he’d always have it on max anyway though, because there was one constant fixture in his life who could never get warm enough.</span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">kuroo doesn’t think he’s ever felt more cold. </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“oh, my housemates are calling. i should go. i’ll call you when you’re awake next time.” kuroo can hear the smile in kenma’s words before he says them. “bye kuro.” </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">he holds his breath, knowing what comes next.</span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“love you,” </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">it’s whispered so softly, kuroo strains to hear it every time. but he hears it and he crumbles, just like the first time. </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">and when he hears the click at the end of the voicemail, kuroo doesn’t stop the tears that come, not anymore.</span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<hr/>
<p class="p1"> </p>
<p class="p1"> </p>
<p class="p1">kuroo grins as he sits, hooking an arm around bokuto’s shoulders and pulling him down with him. “play a game with me, won’t you, bo?”</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">the tv screen set in front of them is alight with colours and little 2D knights waddling around on a map. the game was castle crashers, one that kuroo used to play with kenma. bokuto’s peripherally aware of this, enough that he notices how the reminder of kenma hurts a little too. but kuroo seems okay today, so he goes along with his best friend. he grins alongside him and picks up a controller, “bet you i can kill more enemies than you.” </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">kuroo’s eyes light up. “you’re on, owl man.”</span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1">but it was harder than expected with just the two of them and their ‘skills.’ bokuto expressed this when they lost again. “man, how are we </span> <em><span class="s2">this</span></em> <span class="s1"> bad?” </span></p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">kuroo sniffs, “speak for yourself, dude,” but he was smirking. </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">bokuto points an accusatory finger at kuroo’s smug face, his own pinched expresssion showing his disapproval. “i’m not the one who can’t make it past the barriers in time!” </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">the accused kuroo straightens up and points a return finger in bokuto’s face. “yeah, well i would be able to if your dumb ass didn’t die every time i don’t waste time protecting your six!”</span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“well, it’s not my fault that—that—you’re an ugly rooster!”</span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“what did you just say about me, you floppy owl?” </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">they both let their insults sink into the air as they stare aggravatingly at each other, but bokuto cracks first and leans back to cackle. kuroo breaks soon after and they dissolve into a mess of laughter and <em>“floppy owl? really?”</em></span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">and that’s where they find themselves minutes later, curled up on the floor from laughing too hard. </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“we’re so dumb, kuroo,” bokuto mumbles from where his face is smushed against the ground. </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1"><span class="s1">kuroo just chuckles. “yeah, bo, we really are. i bet—“ </span> <em><span class="s2">kenma would laugh at us if he was here.</span></em></p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">kuroo’s breath stops in his throat. the mood shifts as bokuto peers up in concern, his golden eyes looking at kuroo with worry. “kuroo? you okay?”</span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“i...” kuroo blinks. he sits up and looks away, “yeah—i’m. i’m fine.” but he can’t shake his mind from kenma. the small voice in the back of his mind was saying he should feel guilty for having fun knowing that kenma’s gone, but the larger voice in his head was just. missing kenma. missing how he’d watch bokuto and kuroo’s silly antics with an amused tilt to his lips, a quirk so small only his friends could notice. missing how he’d probably begrudgingly help them pass that level on castle crashers, even if he was in the middle of something else. </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">bokuto’s voice echoes next to him again. “you sure?” </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">kuroo looks down at his lap and his hands, opening them from the fist they were somehow in before. “i... yeah, i just—i thought kenma would call us dumb too—if he was here.” </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">kuroo doesn’t expect the arms that wrap around him but the warmth doesn’t go unnoticed. without his own permission, he deflates against bokuto. his eyes are wet with tears again and he blinks confusedly a few times. he can’t control the way his voice wavers when he asks, “b-bokuto?”</span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">the arms tighten their grip around him. “it’s okay, kuroo. kenma—he’ll always be here. you guys’ll always be a package deal, remember?” </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">kuroo inhales shakily, hugging bokuto back. he tries to wipe the tears from his eyes. “when did you get so mature, bo?” he can feel bokuto smile from where his face is pressed against him, and he pretends not to notice the dampness he feels on his shoulder.</span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“kenma told me to—to look after you. when... when he went to england,” he stutters, “i mean, he mainly trusted akaashi with that but—he told me too. said that it was my job ‘cos we s-share half our braincells.”</span>
</p>
<p class="p1"> </p>
<p class="p1">it pulls a watery chuckle from kuroo. <em>typical of kenma, to say something like that,</em> he thinks.</p>
<p class="p1"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">he doesn’t mention how bokuto’s voice cracks, or how he seems to tremble in his arms, or how his breathing is just as shaky as kuroo’s. he just hugs his best friend with all the strength he has left and feels bokuto do the same. they stay like that for a long while, entwined in each other and their grief.</span>
</p>
<p class="p1"> </p>
<p class="p1"> </p>
<hr/>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">the sun is light and low in the sky when kuroo visits. winter still remained but today was in spring’s gentle hold.</span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">he walks slowly, enjoying the blue skies and sparsely spread clouds, the smooth caress of the piercing wind, the wisps of his breath in the cool air. he takes his time to arrive at the stone slab he came for. </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">it’s still new, untouched by the dirt that would eventually build up on its shiny surface. kuroo could almost see himself in the barest hint of a reflection. his smile was sombre, his eyes fond but sad. </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“i’d only be in a suit for you,” he says softly, so as not to disturb the quietude. kenma would’ve preferred the tranquility. </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">the flowers resting beside the stone were fresh, meaning someone had come by earlier. kuroo adds his own flowers, yellow and white petals mixing. one flower stands out more than the rest, its yellow more blinding. his fingers linger on the stems, and he thinks about what kenma would have thought. </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“the sunflower reminded me of you,” he reasons, though nobody is around to hear it.</span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">the brown and yellow make kuroo think of kenma’s poorly bleached hair that he’d had. he’d dubbed him pudding head then, endearingly. kenma had thought otherwise but kuroo had just ruffled his hair and grinned at him. the memories leave a bittersweet taste in his mouth.</span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">kuroo thinks kenma must be bored here. he’d bring kenma his game consoles but he couldn’t leave them at his grave unprotected. he wishes it were easier. </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">instead, he just watches the headstone, recalling the moments he’d spent with kenma. when he found out about the boy who lived next door, similar in age to him. it had taken a while for them to warm up to each other, funnily enough, with kuroo being more hesitant than kenma. but soon, after playing enough monster hunter and the other games kenma had, they’d become closer. kuroo dragged kenma out to play volleyball frequently, so much so that kenma followed kuroo into the volleyball teams at school. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">kuroo had cherished those years dearly. playing his favourite sport with his best friends, but most importantly, with the person who kuroo felt like had become an extension of himself. the person who kuroo would always call his other half, no matter what. kenma was just a permanent part of kuroo’s life, a person who existed automatically in kuroo’s mind when he thought of the past, the present and the future. </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“it’s hard to sleep at night when the better half of me is missing,” kuroo says sotto voce. “it was hard when you went to england, but...” he continues bitterly. he looks up, trying to keep the sudden tears at bay. his hand drags over his face as he laughs quietly. “i just—miss you. i miss you so much that i don’t even know what to do with myself. i—i don’t know what to do without you.”</span>
</p>
<p class="p1"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">and kenma, if he were there, would’ve probably told him what a mess he looked, babbling nonsensically to a grave while he cried. but kenma wasn’t there and kuroo has never felt so aware of the empty space by his side.</span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">it feels like a millennia passes before kuroo finally moves from where he’s been standing. he wipes his eyes and takes a deep, shuddering breath as he composes himself. kenma wouldn’t want to see him so sad, right? the thought of kenma in the clouds makes him hurt, but he tries to keep his mind distracted. </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">his time to leave is soon, so he lays a parting look upon the embossed ‘kozume kenma’ on the grave and allows himself one last moment to murmur, “i love you, kenma. i’ll see you again, i promise.” </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">when he leaves the cemetery, his heart feels no less empty, but his spirits are lifted and he smiles at his friends who wait for him.</span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">later that night, they raise their glasses high, the mood solemn but respectful, as they remember the life of their lost friend. </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“to kenma,” they cheer. </span>
</p>
<p class="p2"> </p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">and to kenma, the night belonged. </span>
</p>
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